` Already dead `

` Already dead `

When that man of medicine in his white coat, with all his credentials, with all his examinations, analyses, explorations, knowledge, and wisdom reassured me...

That -
I was finally free
I was finally adjudicated
I was finally exonerated from that devastating diagnoses...

I should've -
Been relieved
Been overwhelmed
Been jumping with joy
Been hugging that man of medicine in his white coat....

Instead -
I still felt that pain inside
I felt a sense of lethargy
I felt abandoned
I felt beyrayed -
by the possibility of finally losing that weight, I've been carrying around for so long....

When that man of medicine in his white coat with all his wisdom came to reassure me, I had already accepted that I was already dead....

-sjbeaux
Art- Chrislen
Prélude, 2016

- thoughts -

After a recent diagnosis that put my life into an unsettled state.
Life just seemed trivial to the eventual acceptance of the finality of it all.

When the good news came that I had been rid of my diagnosis, I should have been euphoric, I should have been jumping with joy.

Instead, I just felt beyrayed by the possibility to rid myself of that burden, that weight that I've been carrying around inside - from the acceptance of the finality, I just felt that I was already dead.

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